Chinese Pinyin - Changing Your Lover?

CITYLIFE / Hip & New






Changing Your Lover?

(CRIENGLISH.com )
Updated: 2006-11-01 14:44


Most people will think love is romantic and that couples should
understand each other. But when they are together, the differences
between them may cause them to argue and fight.

Have you ever tried to change your partner? Is everything going to be
perfect when your partner changes in the way you want? China Drive
feature correspondent Michael Lee is here to tell us more about it.

Have you ever had these thoughts 'If my boyfriend loves me, why he is
reluctant to use sweet words to please me when we argue?' or 'Since you
are my wife, why can't you stop acting like a spoiled child at
inappropriate times?'

When people first start a relationship, sweetness and romance are usually
the biggest themes. But as time passes, inevitably, conflicts will
gradually emerge.

Sometimes failing in your efforts to change your partner will frustrate
you, even resulting in a break-up. What causes these problems?
Psychological counselor Wang Yanmei from the Yang Guang Hua Ren
Psychological Service says there are a variety of reasons.

"Probably some of the your partner's characteristics impress you a lot,
but you are not that satisfied with him or her, you just feel that the
general direction of your relationship is right. So you feel like trying
to change your partner at times."

Another reason is that some people are perfectionists, meaning they
always want to make everything in their life perfect. For example, when
cleaning up a room, they always like to make it as neat and tidy as
possible. If others' efforts at helping don't meet their standards, they
won't be happy.

Wang Yanmei adds that the source of misunderstanding lies in ineffective
communication. She explains, when your partner expresses dissatisfaction,
sometimes it doesn't mean that he or she wants to change you - like the
wife telling her husband his clothes need to be organized; probably the
wife just needs her husband to thank her for doing it for him.

If everyone can make the effort to do something good for his or her
partner, the world will be very different. But in reality, people can
feel fatigued and depressed after countless attempts at changing their
partners. Are there better ways to solve things when couples have
conflicts? Wang Yanmei says, before getting married, choosing the right
person is most important.

"When choosing your partner, you shouldn't just follow your intuition,
and don't be controlled by enthusiasm. You can use some rational thought,
and try to pick a person who shares a similar philosophy of life with
you. You should ask yourself: will I still accept this man or this woman
in 20 or 30 years?"

After getting married, the couple needs to focus on their strengths and
minimize their weaknesses to balance their relationship. Doing nothing
and only blaming your spouse for not fulfilling his or her
responsibilities will do more harm than good.

Wang Yanmei emphasizes that marriage is a process in which the couples
grows together. In an age when more and more new couples are only child
in their family, the idea that "you love me, so you should listen to me"
is not wise. This can partially explain why the divorce rate is now much
higher than before.

She also recommends that lovers try to stay calm when conflicts come up.
"You should have a clear mind, and don't make small problems into large
ones. People should ask questions and communicate with their partner
before simply saying 'let's break up'."










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